Hess Can't Fight

First of all, good call Chowda. I would write more but my life isn't THAT glamorous and I have to start spending more time doing work at night. That said, we'll try to update at least every other day. I mean, there are 2 of us.
Ok, on to my extremely painful experience training with a pro MMA fighter last night. Just as a free ad for him to my 3 readers, his name is Travis Roesler, and he's an absolute beast. He also works at our watering hole of choice, so this kinda of started out as a drunk joke. Well, I was drunk anyway. Bows swears that it was my idea to take a one-on-one lesson with Travis while he filmed it for this blog. I feel, especially after the fact, that if it was my idea, I probably would have recommended that I be the one behind the camera. Anyway, enough talk of Travis kicking my ass got around the bar that it became inevitable. The time was set for 4:30 PM yesterday. I started getting pretty scared around noon, and by 3 I had drawn up a will (and all my debt goes to...).
The plan was for me to get my ass kicked and Bows to videotape while LBR provided commentary, but he couldn't make it. So, it was just me and Bows, who stopped to get a 12 pack on the way to Travis' place (I was extremely jealous of this, by the way). I was terrified the whole way there, because the talk all week in the bar (from people who trained with him) was how I was goin to puke, I was gonna get knocked out, I was gonna pass out, etc. Anyway, the place wasn't easy to find (you'll see the video) but we got there on time. Bows got ready setting up the camera and drinking while I got ready to have the shit kicked out of me.
Despite all the shit being talked all week, Travis runs a professional operation. He didn't just punch me in the face as soon as I walked in the door. The plan was to work out for about a half hour; learning punches and kicks and getting a bunch of cardio. Then we were supposed to do a couple 3 minute rounds of sparring followed by 5 minutes of submissions. We started with 5 embarrassing minutes on the speed bag. I'm not even kidding, I challenge any of you to look as cool as Rocky trying to punch that thing. I basically spent 5 minutes apologizing to Travis for being an uncoordinated retard. Not the start I was hoping for.
Next up, we started with 5 minute drills teaching me how to punch and kick, surprisingly skills that I completely lacked. I started off pretty shakily, but I got to the point where even Bows had to admit that I was looking completely bad ass. And then the sparring began. The first 3 minute round Travis was leaving me alone; kinda feeling me out. At first I was scared to hit him. He had to drop his guard on multiple occassions and force me to hit him in the face, which was in and of itself, terrifying. Also, 3 minutes has never felt so long. I was completely winded about a minute and a half in, and I've been running about 15 miles a week lately. Also, when I finally grew the balls (out of fear) to actually hit him, it was like swinging at air. I thought I had him lined up, and all of a sudden he was gone. Kid's amazing.
So, after the first three minutes, I couldn't breathe, thought I was going to pass out, and definitely was about to puke. Thank god for the 1 minute break. Ha! Again, he was taking it easy on me, but the second round was 10 times worse than the 1st. He started attacking me more, and I was dead after a minute. I was trying to stay the hell out of his way, but he clocked me a couple times just to keep me honest. I won't say much more, we will have video up here soon, but I just wanted to quit at this point. I had one last session in store for me though, the 5 minutes of submissions.
Now, as I've said, Travis was taking it extremely easy on me up to this point, but now he wanted to have some fun. His goal was to get me in 30 different submissions in 5 minutes. He was no longer trying to teach me anything. He didn't explain the submissions, he just fucked me up. We had to start on our knees facing each other, and every time we slapped hands he grabbed me and inflicted extreme pain. I thought 3 minutes moving around on my feet was bad. 5 minutes having my air supply cut off and having my limbs twisted unnaturally was 10 times worse. I kept stalling getting back up while Travis impatiently waited to kick my ass again. At one point, I'm pretty sure he invented a submission that prominently involved a teabag. One minute, his balls were directly in my face and the next, my arm was being ripped out of its socket.
Anyway, I somehow survived the 5 minutes and the whole ordeal. It turned out to be an excellent workout, I can't lift my arms above my head today, but I don't know how soon I can put myself through that again. I now have a new found respect and fear for men that I already respected and feared. I have watched enough UFC fights to realize now how hard and grueling that time in the ring is. Also, it takes me back to the birth of UFC. A time when you had to win like 5 matches in one day with no weight classes. I know it was the early 90's but I don't know exactly when, and Royce Gracie would rock dudes like 100 pounds heavier than him. Breaking arms and fucking guys up on the way to a crazy amount of wins. That guy was my hero then, and I think he is again now. Thanks for the ass whooping Trav.