Hess Can't Hoop

There are many things in this world that I cannot do, or that I just plain suck at. It just so happens that I discovered two of them this week. I will write about any future shortcomings as I encounter them, keeping the Hess Can't... thing going. Again stressing the main point of my blogs; I suck and I am a little bitch. Also, before I begin, I just wanted to point out that I posted a link to this blog on my facebook page and so far it has added a whopping zero readers. I just want to take this time to thank our three loyal blog members. Without you guys I could pretty much just call Bows and tell him these stories. On to the blog.
I want to start off by saying that I used to consider myself a pretty decent basketball player, and I think our three readers can back me up on this. I wasn't good enough to make the team in junior high, and I never really tried to play organized ball after that. However, I dominated some backyard and trooper park games in my day (granted everybody was normally high in those games), I played pretty well on the frat house's death trap court, and I played my share of pick-up games with Lou in which I didn't embarrass myself. I haven't played at all in a few years, but I guess I always thought it was like riding a bike. I mean I haven't forgotten how to play soccer and I haven't forgotten how to be totally awesome, but I definitely forgot how to shoot a basketball. I will explain.
So, I arranged to work out with a high school basketball team yesterday, and to put it kindly, this team was not good. They haven't won a game yet this year and they have only one left (they're not winning that one either). As I set this up, the song Glory Days was playing in my head. As I often pathetically do, I spent way too much time reminiscing about the good old days, when I used to be popular and good at things. Anyway, I somehow convinced myself that I was just gonna kill these little punks...and then we started playing.
We started out just shooting around and this is right when I knew I was gonna be in trouble. All the kids were there asking me questions like "Mr. Hess, you play ball?" "You any good?" Stuff like that, and I was nodding confidently, until I put up my first shot. Just inside the key, nothing but air. I laughed nervously and made weak excuses, "Been awhile" and "Must still be sore from working out, haha". Deep down I was terrified though. It felt wrong. I had completely forgotten how to shoot a basketball. I think I shot like another 3 or 4 airballs in a row before I began overcompensating and launching bricks off the backboard. It was a truly embarrassing and pathetic spectacle (I feel like I say pathetic and embarrassing alot in these blogs, which is in and of itself, pathetic and embarrassing (I also really like parenthesis)). I got to the point where I was just taking layups, even missing some of those.
Shootaround mercifully ended and I opted to sit out the drills, instead waiting nervously to scrimmage. By this time I'm pretty sure the coach and all the kids thought I was just an old loser trying to play with the kids, not to mention a big fraud. I probably should've just gotten the fuck out of there, but there were only 9 kids, so I stuck around to make a full 5 on 5. I was the biggest guy on the court, so I got a bunch of rebounds, and I'm still a pretty good dribbler and passer. I had a few money assists, but I was terrified to shoot. I passed up a bunch of open shots, only to drive to the lane and have my shot blocked by a 5'8 center (oh yeah, apparently I can't jump anymore either, and I used to be able to grab rim). I did have one shining moment; I blocked a kid Billy Madison style. Just crushed the poor kids shot, but then I ruined it by posturing after the fact. I mean, I'm 30 the kids 18, I'm like 5 inches taller than him, our team is getting killed and I'm stinking up the joint, and there I am posing after I swat the kids shot. I am a huge deusche (how the hell do you spell that word? that looks like German money). Anyway, my final stat line probably looked liked this: 0 points on 0-5 shooting, 13 rebounds, 4 assists, 1 block, 5 to's, 1 embarrassing pose, and 1 kid with hurt feelings. Lou, you gotta fix my shot. I cannot accept that I now suck at this sport. Anyway, tune in next time for Hess Can't Fuck.

-Hess