So I just got done work at 3:3o in the morning in Philadelphia PA. I walk in to LBR's house and Hess is passed out on his couch with painted fingernails and dicks all over his face. Hilarious. However, what the fuck. This guy just fought an MMA pro and did stand up comedy in the last two weeks. Give em a break! Once your outta high school its time to stop writing on your friends. My friend Hess maybe a lifelong scumbag, but hes earned the right not to be writen on.
He left a center city apartment with cocks on his face and dicks on his arms and drove home! What if he got pulled over! Even his silly Hess charm couldnt pull em outta prison (well maybe a white cop). One time our buddy in the frat house left in 8am to go to a mid-term with a huge dick on his face. The prof said nothing, nor did his fellow students till he finished. He handed in his paper and his prof said "son, u need a mirror". He took the whole final in front of 1oo ppl with a big fat dick on his face! And he Aced it. Needless to say he came back to the house pissed, but he was a bitch and LBR punched him in the face. Prob solved. but
What im trying to say is, Hess is old. He doesn't need this abuse anymore, and he gets too drunk to defend himself. As his manager, I feel Ishould. He drove home last week wasted with "I love cock" on his forehead! Fuck! Just a joke, like Die Hard 3! He hit me in the gut and ran away. His roommate was not happy. Tonight, he was drawn on and I felt the need to step in. I took a warm wash cloth and rubbed my Hess. He did not respond correctly. Drunk fuck threw punches and mumbled like a retard. I tried to hold him down but, since his MMA class, has found some new found balls. So he hit me, HARD. I wanted to tea bag him (put my balls on his face), but LBR said no. Then LBR said yes, so I did. Then we tried to clean him with a washclothe. We got most of the shit off his face but he was fighting us in his sleep. Silly Hess, were justg trying to clean you. We scrubbed the shit off your fingernails, the mustache off your face, the dicks off your back. So when you wake up Hess, know that Bows and LBR love you. No more drawing on Hess please. Its far too easy.
- Bows
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Why dont you 2 get a room. Listen, Hess knows the rules. They have not changed, nor will they ever. You get shit faced and pass out somewhere other then your bed, you get fucked with. Plain and simple. Deal with it.
ReplyDeleteNeedless to say I prob shouldn't be writing things at 6 am, still, kinda a sad sight to see a 30yr old man with dicks on his face every friday night.
ReplyDeleteThis does not happen EVERY Friday. Used to be every Saturday in Jersey, actually, and I was gonna comment on the fact that you wrote this at 6 am. I woke to go to work at 7 and these two clowns are still up. Scumbags.
ReplyDelete"I wanted to tea bag him (put my balls on his face), but LBR said no. Then LBR said yes, so I did."
ReplyDeleteHands down, best part.
You are correct Hess. It does not happen every Friday. It happens everyday. I flew home on a random Thursday and you had X-mas ordainments dangling from your ears, nose, and gooch. Bows I am glad you came to your senses and decided to go through with the mushroom stamp. Always go with your first instinct.
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