Philly Disappoints Me

You're Damn right Temple sucks. They do this every year, and unlike my predecessors I did not get to see any of those great Temple teams. Temple sucked serious cock during my four year tenure. I got shit, not even one lousy NCAA tournament berth. But since we are on the subject of disappointments, I have finally gotten over my super bowl hangover or should I say my “Eagles lost another NFC championship game they should have won” hangover. This last sad episode of underachieving has left us Eagles fans with 4 losses in NFC Championship games sandwiched by one extremely painful super bowl loss. At least this year I did not get completely hammered and punch through a window then use a searing hot iron to close the wounds (I only got completely hammered and punched a brick wall this time). And yes, for those of you that don't know me, I actually did that. I was drunk and upset, so much anger. I admit it got a little crazy. Andy Roddick is now calling and telling me he doesn't think we should hang out anymore. But when it comes to disappointment, nobody does it better than philly.

To get so damn close every year just to fail miserably to an inferior team is just plain wrong. It feels like a kick in the balls and then a cock-slap in the face. However, I would be crazy if I told you I didn't see it coming. It is just the script of philly sports, and it sucks. I'm not saying it eases the pain, but philly fans are used to this kind of misery. Thank God for the Phillies. I did not see that coming. What were the Vegas odds on the Phils winning it all before the season started? The Phillies used to be the best team at doing the exact same underachieving shit every year, it was like a script or a movie with the exact same ending every year. We all know how it was supposed to end this year: Brad Lidge blows that final save in game 5 and the Rays pull off an improbable Red Sox like sweep of the final three games. That is how the story was supposed to end. Somebody upstairs really must have fucked up, dropped the ball on that one. Brad Lidge you are the fucking man by the way. Going perfect all year long and in the playoffs in a city where the fans are literally on your back hissing in your ear “don't fuck up or we will skull fuck you” is truly amazing. We all had nightmares of when that inevitable blown save would come, but you pulled it off. Brad, philly has man love for you.

Not so much man love for the birds right now. Nothing sucks more than watching two teams you beat handily in the regular season play for the super bowl. I guess I have to say congrats to the steelers and their fans. You have six rings now, you greedy pricks. As for us birds fans we must find another way to fix our piece of shit green jalopy that breaks down at the same time every year, much like a chevy. You can sure bet on Andy Reid and Donovan McNabb coming back for another season. I have always been a McNabb supporter and still believe he is a top three quarterback in this league, but I'm not so sure Reid should be coming back. I never like to see someone lose their job but it seems as if Reid has taken this team as far as he possibly can, and I thank him for that. He is one of the best coaches in Eagles history (if not the best) and gave us fans one of the best runs we have ever seen. I'm just not sure there is anything left in his bag of tricks. If you can stop the screen to Westbrook you can probably stop the Eagles, or at least give yourself a great advantage to do so. Reid has one of the best running backs in the game, yet cannot salvage anything that even remotely looks like a running game. Running undersized Brian Westbrook up the gut every play and refusing to even acknowledge that there is a fullback position is not a running game. It sucks. Aren't both his kids in jail because they love smack? That really sucks, he must have other things on his mind come Sundays. Sorry Andy, but its been a great ride.

As for McNabb, if they don't give this guy a number one receiver I am gonna shit in a box and send it to Joe Bucks house and Joe Banners office with a tag that says sends return to sender (just not a Joe Buck fan). Yeah thats right, stop giving us this shit you call a receiving corp. TJ Houshmanzadah (spell check, stat boy?) has said he is interested in the Eagles. If we cannot sign Anquan Boldin I would be more than happy with Housh-ur-mama. Housh is a big, tall, fast receiver that jets down field and gets the jump ball, a T.O. type receiver without the mental baggage and his nick-name is awesome, Housh-ur-mama! We know McNabb has accuracy issues and tends tense-up in big games, but we also know that he has a gun and thrives when he goes deep. McNabb needs the big-play guy, he needs the down field threat. What happened last time McNabb had a number one receiver? Anybody? He choked and lost us the super bowl, thats right. But the key words here are super bowl, not NFC champ game. He had his best season in 2004 tossing 16 bombs to TO and leading the birds to a 13-3 record (they rested starters for final two games of reg season, so could have been 15-1) and their first super bowl appearance since 1980. You cannot argue with that. Just fucking get him a number one guy to take the pressure off McNabb. A guy like Anquan or Housh can only make McNabb better. I would like to see them go after Boldin first, who is a beast by the way, and then go after Housh if Boldin doesn't work out. How can you not love a guy who breaks his face and then comes back to play three weeks later. Man shit! I would have taken the pain killers though Anquan, lovely painless pain killers. Boldin and Heinz Ward have to be at the top of the list for manliest receivers in the game. Ward is another guy I would love to have. He goes out and wires linebackers jaws shut. He's a chipmunk looking bastard and his name always makes me think of ketchup, but if your ever interested in choking in big championship games and disappointing millions, give us a call Heinz. We want a receiver Banner, make it happen.

- Bows


P.S. I hate you Joe Buck, you philly hating motherfucker. Why do you hate philly so much. I know you had a shit-eating grin on your face when the Eagles lost. Troy Aikman secretly wants to punch you in the face at least six times a broadcast. You get so fired up when teams score on the Eagles, then give a monotone, sounds like we ran over your dog, call when philly does anything good. It's not just the Eagles, you did to the Phillies in the playoffs too. I wish Randy Moss would whip out his butt cheeks and press ham right on your lenscrafters after every TD catch this coming season. This concludes this weeks meeting of the Fuck Joe Buck club, I hope to see you all along with a couple new members next time.